Hi Everyone,

This post has a bit of a different vibe than the ones that preceed it. Today I have decided to talk about choices. Not just in my hearing but in my life.

I am currently at my parents house and I have been for 5 days now. Tomorrow I will be going back to Toronto and my Frosh Week at University of Toronto starts on Tuesday. One thing that I have been thinking about a lot lately is why did I choose U of T? Why did I choose Toronto? Why did I choose anything that I have chosen.

I find it kind of funny because I am a planner, I like to know everything that is happening well in advance. However, when it comes to decision making I always go by my gut instinct. I am always right and it has always worked for me in the past. Now I am starting to doubt myself. Is University of Toronto really the right place for me? I chose it because of the amount of options I have there, and it's location. I am also the only deaf undergrad there. If I had gone to York I would have had a thriving Deaf/HOH community and an amplitude of supports. For some reason though, I chose U of T.

Cochlear implants. That is another choice I made. I decided not to go through with it, not even the testing to establish my candidacy. I chose that because music is so important to me and I need to be able to distinguish tones that are very close together. I have been told that is not possible with a CI. This past week I was out with some friends and the frustration of being with a large group was over whelming. I couldn't handle it and I did not know what to do - so I left. I am also thinking ahead to tomorrow morning when I have a riding lesson. I know I am not going to get anything out of it, but it makes my coach happy to see me riding around the ring for an hour. I have avoided having a lesson for a few months but I promised her I would while I was home this week. Last time I had a lesson I was able to follow along and understand her very well using my FM system but now I can't. I am not sure what I am going to do, or how it is going to work. Then again, how do I know a cochlear implant would enable me to do those things?

My choice to stay in Toronto, now I don't think I regret that one. I love the city and I thrive there. For the first time I am in charge of my life. I am in charge of my medical care - and believe me that is a bigger deal than it may seem. I have a wonderful audiologist, and some decent doctors. Should that really be my motivation for staying in a city? I think part of my motivation is my sheer determination to prove my independence and my ability to function as an adult. To prove that I no longer need someone to take care of me. To prove that even though I am deaf I can lead a completely normal, full, adult life.

Really, who is to say if my choices were the right ones? I have been thinking a lot, about all of these choices, and I think that more reflection and research is required on almost all of them. I think now is the time to embark on that next portion of this journey. Now begins my time of reflection.

Jenny