Hey everyone,

On Thursday I went to my audiologists but this appointment was a little different. This time there was a second audiologist there and she was a cochlear implant audiologist.

I had asked my audiologist about talking to a cochlear implant audiologist and she said that an audiologist with her company used to work in a an adult cochlear implant program. She called her and arranged an appointment for her to talk to me. I was skeptical going into it. I have been flip-flopping when it comes to looking into it for quite some time.

She started by telling me about implants, and that was okay. I knew a lot of that stuff before anyway. I don't know if I really learned anything new at the appointment actually. I don't even think I am any farther ahead in my decision now than I was before. It sucks.

I found the audiologist to be a bit disrespectful. She didn't respect the fact that I use ASL, and brushed it off like a non-issue. She seemed to think I didn't want to be using ASL, or associating with Deaf culture. She said I can tell you live mostly with hearing people, and when I said that I didn't so much anymore she said something along of the lines of "Oh, well that's not what you want". Who is she to tell me what I want!

She talked about how my quality of life will improve, how my life will be easier, how many more opportunities I would have. See, the thing is I don't think the quality of my life is poor, I don't think my life is hard, and I think I have every opportunity. Even my audiologist said that she doesn't think I have anywhere to go but up.

I don't need a cochlear implant and that is what is making this that much harder. I can do everything that I want to without one. If I decide to persue a CI it would be because I want it. I still can't see it as something that I want. Maybe sometimes I want it, but not even close to everyday. I may wake up thinking "If I could hear more..." once a week at most. I think it would have to be everyday, or pretty darn close, for me to say it is something that I really want.

I don't know what I want! Is that okay? Can I just not know for a while? Please!

Jenny