Identity

Hello again!

If I were to remove myself from my body, step back, and take a long hard look at the choices I have made in the past I would see that my entire life has been spent sheltering my identity. As a young child I knew that I was different. For starters I had to wear funny things in my hears that other kids did not have to. I understood that this meant I was ‘broken’ because they were there to ‘fix’ something. At the time I did not really understand what was being fixed. I eventually came to realize that these lumps of plastic were in my ears to help me hear; I was Hard of Hearing.

Once this became clear for me I was able to reject it full force. When I turned 11 and found out that the following year I would be going to a new school, in a new town, with all new people, I made the choice to not wear my hearing aids. Some how, at the age of 11, I had come to know that Hard of Hearing was not a normative identity within society. I had been taught that some how it meant that I was ‘broken’. I did not want to be ‘broken’, or known as the deaf kid anymore. I just wanted to be me.

After long fights with my parents, my audiologist and my ENT I finally won and was allowed to stop wearing my hearing aids. I think that the financial implications of replacing all of the hearing aids I had flushed down the toilet, or let the dog use as a chew toy were starting to take their toll as well. So at the ripe old age of 12 I took my Hard of Hearing identity and threw it out the window in hopes that I could assimilate myself with Hearing society.

6 years later, at 18, I started using hearing aids once again. My hearing was changing and fast, though no one recognized this - not even myself. 3 months after I started using hearing aids again my hearing plummeted. Whatever benefit I was getting from them before was gone. I had spent 3 months trying to adjust to sound that I was losing. I don’t know how to appropriately explain my feelings at the time that my hearing dropped. I think I was initially relatively calm. I knew exactly what had happened when I showed up at my audiologists office and told her that I couldn’t hear anything with my left ear. She did the tests and told me the results and then I was spent the day bouncing between three different hospitals trying to see an ENT. I finally saw one, they told me the loss was permanent and I should get a CI. I made my way back to my audiologists office at the end of the day and that is when I started to freak out.

I had known for over 24 hours what was happening, what had happened, but it took that long to sink in. It was when I was sitting with my audiologist talking about cochlear implants that it became real. The doctor saying it didn’t make it real, I didn’t know him, I didn’t trust him, I didn’t care about his opinion at all. I trusted my audiologist though, and I respected her and her opinions. That is what made it all real for me. All of this information was coming from a real person who I knew.

I won’t say it was smooth sailing from there. I had spent years training myself to reject this part of me, and now there was no escaping it. I had Deaf friends and I continued to use Sign throughout those 6 years but only with them - it was part of their identity, not mine. Rediscovering my identity, as it was defined by hearing loss, was a challenging road. At first I refused to use interpreters. I was even looking into going to University without them. I tried to convince myself that my hearing aids were helping and I was understanding speech with them. It wasn’t happening though, I could barely understand any sound I heard. I tried to fake it through group situations, board meetings, fundraisers, work events, and I failed.

It wasn’t until May that I started to see that ‘Deaf’ as an identity may not be so bad. I was being sent to a few conferences for work and I requested interpreters for them. After just one day with interpreters I was wondering why I had tried to fake it for the past few months! For the first time in a while I realised that maybe I could actually be on an equal playing field with my hearing peers. The key to make this happen was not equality, but equity. In order to achieve this equity I needed to embrace my identity. Over the next several months I saw many changes in my attitude and my life. I stopped trying to hide my hearing aids and my hearing loss. They are both a part of me and I acknowledged that for the first time in a long time.

As I became more comfortable I started to make connections with members of the Deaf community here. I met a wonderful Deaf woman who became somewhat of a mentor for me. She has a very similar background to mine and she immediately started to help me discover the community here. She has taught me, more than anyone else, what it means for me to be a young Deaf queer woman. Without her I don’t think I would be as secure in myself as I am today. It is with her guidance and support that I am in University now and doing the things that I am. She taught me it was okay for me to stand up for Deaf part of myself.

I have always been very confident with all of the other parts of my identity. I never had an issue standing up for myself as a queer woman, so it really bothered me when I had a hard time with doing that for the Deaf part. I think part of the problem is the Deaf community itself. I don’t want to offend anyone, but WOW! The Deaf community is hard to break into! I needed to earn my acceptance and was it ever hard. After several months of sitting on the edge, somewhere between the two worlds - Deaf and Hearing - I finally feel like I have fallen into the Deaf one.

This evening I was at a meeting with about 8 or 9 other people, all Hearing. We were sitting around a large rectangular table and I positioned myself in a place where I thought I could see everyone. Immediately there were some flaws in my plan. First one man had quite a long beard, another one had a moustache, two people stuttered, and no one was looking even remotely in my direction. Now, these are all people that know me and I think they sometimes get caught up with how well I can function 1-1. I tried for a few minutes to speech read but I was so tired that after five minutes I gave up. I didn’t feel defeated though. I just recognized that this environment was not set up for me and it was beyond whatever speech reading talents I possess. I moved on and decided that for the next meeting I would ensure I booked an interpreter. I am sick of trying to adapt myself, I will to an extent but if it is going to cause me a lot of frustration - no thank you.

I think what I am trying to get at is that now, more than ever, I feel like a capable Deaf person. I feel like I am accepted by the community, I have rights as a Deaf person, I have a language as a Deaf person, and I have a voice as a Deaf person. I am able to stand up for myself, my identity, my culture, and my community and know that there are people who will stand behind me 100%. I have become someone that I am proud of and I am ready to show the world that person. I know that sounds horribly clichéd but it is true. I am finally secure enough in who I am to show it. I am ready to call other people on their inequities and attempt to make change. I am more than ready to prove every single person who told me I can’t do something wrong. I don’t know what opportunities lay ahead but I know that there will be many. I have made it my mission throughout my life to break down barriers and I am going to continue. I am ready to watch where my life as a young Deaf queer woman will go!

That is all for tonight,

Jenny