I heard words!

Hi Everyone!

This morning I saw my audiologist to adjust a few things on my hearing aids. While I was there I had her try some speech discrimination stuff with me. It was very informal but I was curious and wanted to try. I have noticed myself catching the odd word from time to time and I wanted to know if it was a fluke or if I am actually hearing these words. Today, we proved that I am actually hearing these words! I heard the words "hot dog", "colour", "doctor", and one other word that I can't remember anymore. There were a lot of other words said that I missed but I got a few.

Here is my dilemma now - I am excited that I heard the words. I am Deaf, but I am happy I heard some words. It also brings my mind back to the cochlear implant debate. I have stopped singing and my involvement in music culture has dwindled significantly, but music is still hugely important in my life. In the past the music argument has been my number one debate against cochlear implants for myself. I'm not sure if I have that argument now, and to top it all off I liked hearing those words today.

I know that if I open the cochlear implant door again I will end up enraged, furious even. The complete lack of respect that I have come across in the industry is horrific and not something I want to subject myself to again. I finally have one audiologist that is accepting of how I have chosen to deal with and approach my hearing loss. I don't want to lose that either, because believe me - it's a lot easier when the audiologists are on your side!

I have been more confused about my feelings regarding my hearing loss today than I have in a long time. I'm afraid to be excited about hearing those 4 words because I feel like it may somehow subtract from my Deaf identity. With that thought I have shifted back to discussion about socialized identity and how it defines me. I know identity is always evolving but these days I am finding it hard to stay caught up!

I have an exam that I need to study for now, so that is it for today!

Jenny

The Reality of Inclusion

Hi Everyone,

Since the start of University this past September, one of the things I wanted most was to go to a class alone. When I say alone, I mean without interpreters. I was curious to see the reaction from students when I appeared to be "normal" and I was also curious to see how I could hold up alone.

Last night there was some scheduling confusion and I ended up being without an interpreter for an hour. I sat in the classroom with a bunch of students from my Linguistics class and I felt like I was one of them for the first time. I looked around the room and watched my peers. They had all pulled out their books, so I did the same. A few moments later a teaching assistant arrived to lead the extra help session. As I watched the class around me begin I felt left behind. I was fine sliding in with my peers, acting hearing, until the class started but then I realized that I was only able to understand the odd word from speech reading and certainly not enough to make a sentence.

As the hour progressed I wanted nothing more than for my interpreter to arrive. I finally had come to value the access to communication that they offer for me. By the time she did arrive I was already exhausted from trying to catch any part of the class discussion up to that point. As she jumped in and started interpreting I was able to relax and I was understanding everything.

All semester I have thought that the interpreters make me stand out and I blamed them for the exclusion I was feeling at school. Then, when I didn't have an interpreter, I felt even more excluded and left out. I can't blame it on the interpreters anymore, it is very much me. I realized yesterday that I can't resent interpreters for it and I need to really analyze the way I am doing things.

My approach to University has changed a lot since the start of the semester, in a communication sense anyway. In the beginning I had decided to voice for myself some times. I told everyone I was fine in most 1-1 situations and I was willing to try to speech read if the need arose. For next semester I have already started to change that. I have told my new profs that if we need to communicate without an interpreter it will have to be through note-writing or gesturing. Aside from with a few people in Toronto, I have turned off my voice.

Jenny

Hidden Passion

Howdy!

When I first started to get involved with Deaf culture and distance myself from the hearing world, one of my most initial thoughts was that I couldn’t be Deaf and still hold onto my beloved passion. It became this secret that I would try to hide whenever there was a Deaf person, interpreter, or hearing/signing person around. It was like this secret addiction that I couldn’t talk about because of a fear of being prosecuted.

Slowly, I began to open up about this life altering need of mine. I started to feel comfortable enough to let those that I love and trust know about it’s importance in my life. I was finally able to express that I am indeed a Deaf person with a passion for music. Soon I came to discover others with this same love and I realized that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

I have spent hours, days even, of my life learning how to interpret vibrations as music. I trained myself to discern pitch from the way it feels. I have sat in my audiologists office for more appointments than I would like to count trying to program my hearing aids to maximize my ability to understand music in an auditory sense. All the while feeling like a traitor.

I watched as the Deaf world and the music world started to collide for me. I started to discover, and enjoy, interpreted music and I was able to understand the lyrics to sounds. However, music is more to be than lyrics. It is tactile, visual, and auditory. I can break it apart and only touch it, only see it, or only hear it. Music is this vast three dimensional world that I lose myself in.

I am not sure how many hearing people can truly value music for all of it’s layers. Being Deaf actually brings more to the music and makes it an experience that I feel more connected to than ever before. This guilty pleasure of mine goes beyond that of most peoples,. It embraces me and has become a defining part of who I am. I am a Deaf musician and I am proud of that.

I no longer conceal my MP3 player, cease taping out a rhythm on a hard surface, avoid concerts, and act like music is the tool of the devil. Music is in my blood, my heart, my soul, and every other part of me where it can hide. If somehow that makes someone think of me as any “less Deaf’ I would like to challenge them. Show me how music makes me more hearing than Deaf. Show me why music cannot belong to the Deaf world too.

Jenny

Vlogs! Pah!

Hey everyone,

I finally have some Vlogs up!

They aren't anything new for those of you that don't know ASL. They correspond with my blog entries. I will go on Youtube a little later this week and title them all to match the blog entries.

I have only completed 11 of them and they are not very good quality, but understandable I think. I will re-record them over the holidays probably with a better camera.

I have a lot more to record and it does take significant time to do. More to come soon!

Jenny

Hearing aids: Why, Why Not, and When

Hello one and all!

Today I want to talk about those torturous little plastic demons that rest behind our ears -- a harsh description, I realize, but my feelings are strong.

For a long time I wore my hearing aids everyday, during every waking hour. Partially because I was forced to and partially because I enjoyed hearing things. As time went on I became more self-conscious of my hearing status and became ashamed of my hearing aids. I grew out my hair so it covered them, and made sure they were beige so they didn't stand out too much. I still wore them more or less all the time. At this point I was still in high school (a hearing high school) so I liked being able to hear what was going on around me. My peers also had a habit of throwing things at me if I didn't respond to verbal calls for attention.

When my hearing dropped 30 dB without warning I ended up going about a month without hearing aids while we waited for my new ones. This also meant a month of complete silence. At the time I was very bitter. I just wanted to hear something! As the month went on I became used to my silent world. I learned to appreciate it and value the silence. It was my own little world and I was safe there.

When I got my new hearing aids I wore them all day, everyday, for about a week. From there the use of them dwindled. I reverted back my silent world and became comfortable there. I still use my hearing aids now, but only in certain situations.

For the most part I will always have them on when I am at school. Whether or not they are turned on is a different story but they are always on my ears. If it is between classes or I am just hanging out on campus for some reason they are normally turned on. During classes and tutorials it is hit and miss. It depends on the class and who the prof or TA is. If I like the way their voice sounds I will keep them on, if not I will turn them off. If I am with hearing friends and people I like to have them on too. If I am with Deaf friends and they have theirs on I also like to have mine on.

If I am alone and out doing errands or something I normally have them on my ears but not turned on. It is partially so the visual cue that I am Deaf is there, and partially so if I want to hear something I just need to turn them on. If I am home alone I never have them on.

The thing I find kind of funny is that now that they aren't beige I am more willing to use my hearing aids. I don't feel like a grandma anymore! Purple is much cooler and it matches my personality better too!

I'm tired so that is all for tonight! I was also thinking tonight that I should make vlogs that correspond with all of my blog posts. Catching up will be a lot of work though! I will try to do it soon! Perhaps over the holidays!

Jenny

Mr. Marley

Hi Everyone,

Next on the list of blog topics is my dog, Marley.

Marley is a 3 year old German Shepard/Border Collie. He is crazy, full of energy, and very smart. I am not sure what else to say about him, but here are some pics!

Christmas and What I Like About It

Hey Everyone!

Well, Alicia gave me a nice list of topics to blog about so I am going to work my way through each of them! I want more suggestions from others too! I have a goal to post everyday this month!

Christmas is a time of year filled with magic, snow, dreams, and family. My personal take on Christmas isn't always that simple though. I come from a large hearing family of which I am the only Deaf person. I have a hard of hearing grandfather who is in denial but that is the closest thing I have to a Deaf family member. This means that during those magical family gatherings full of constant chatter and conversation I am left out.

I have developed the coping mechanisms that other Deaf people have. I bring a friend that signs, try to lock down people in 1-1 conversations, hide in a back room, or just skip out on the event all together. Not only are these coping mechanisms applied at the regular family gatherings but office parties, and get togethers with hearing friends as well.

Then there is the shopping that goes along with Christmas. I think this part is miserable for everyone, hearing loss or not. When you factor in the hearing loss you get a whole new shopping experience. If you use hearing aids (especially of the power variety) you get blasted with sounds that make little sense and make your eyes twitch. You develop a headache only moments after stepping into the mall, which in turn leads to a bitter and angry attitude. As you walk through the mall and fight your way through the large crowds you wonder why you are subjecting yourself to such pain and torture. Finally you arrive at the first store. You run in grab what you need and make your way to the counter. There seems to be a problem and the cashier is saying something to you. Because of the strong accent you have no idea what they are trying to communicate. You gesture for them to write it down but they just over-enunciate and end up looking like a monkey trying to eat taffy. You look around desperately and catch the managers eye. They see the look of distress and the cashier turned orangutan and come to investigate. By this point you are now gesturing violently and digging through your purse looking for something to write on.

You finally find an old receipt and scribble on the back "I'm deaf!". The roar from the mall outside is making you dizzy and as you glance at the note you just wrote, you remember you are Deaf! You thrust the note at the orangutan and his boss while ripping the plastic daemons from your ears. The manager reads your note and write back "Do you have an airmiles card?". With a look of sheer disgust you realize what you just went through to be asked if you have an airmiles card. You shake your head, violently shove a credit card the orangutan, take your purchases and run. You renter the mall and jump into the current, swimming against it. You enter the next store only to start the process over again.

So now, what do I like about Christmas? I think it would be the reunion with friends that are dispersed across the world at University. Sitting around a table at our favorite cafe debating politics, philosophy, and anything else we can thing of. It's making those new memories that will keep you going through the winter semester, that is what I like about Christmas!

Jenny

Blog Topics?

Hi Everyone,

I have been posting in a different style lately and my focus has changed to more Deaf issues rather than the world of my ears. Today I am going to step back into the world of my ears for a moment, but I do have a question for all of you who read this blog. What do you prefer? What do you want me to write about? I am open to any topic suggestions, questions, anything! Let me know!

In the last week womens voices have become incredibly annoying. I hate listening to women speaking and they sound like "chipmunks on helium". I noticed it first when one of my interpreters was voicing for me, then again when I was talking with my accessibility services person, and then again with my audiologist. They all sound strange! Not to mention my own voice.

I saw my audiologist about it today and she couldn't figure out why. I hope she can, I want it back to normal. It is most annoying because I know some people by voice but now they sound different. Sigh. We'll see what happens!

Jenny