Hi Everyone!
This morning I saw my audiologist to adjust a few things on my hearing aids. While I was there I had her try some speech discrimination stuff with me. It was very informal but I was curious and wanted to try. I have noticed myself catching the odd word from time to time and I wanted to know if it was a fluke or if I am actually hearing these words. Today, we proved that I am actually hearing these words! I heard the words "hot dog", "colour", "doctor", and one other word that I can't remember anymore. There were a lot of other words said that I missed but I got a few.
Here is my dilemma now - I am excited that I heard the words. I am Deaf, but I am happy I heard some words. It also brings my mind back to the cochlear implant debate. I have stopped singing and my involvement in music culture has dwindled significantly, but music is still hugely important in my life. In the past the music argument has been my number one debate against cochlear implants for myself. I'm not sure if I have that argument now, and to top it all off I liked hearing those words today.
I know that if I open the cochlear implant door again I will end up enraged, furious even. The complete lack of respect that I have come across in the industry is horrific and not something I want to subject myself to again. I finally have one audiologist that is accepting of how I have chosen to deal with and approach my hearing loss. I don't want to lose that either, because believe me - it's a lot easier when the audiologists are on your side!
I have been more confused about my feelings regarding my hearing loss today than I have in a long time. I'm afraid to be excited about hearing those 4 words because I feel like it may somehow subtract from my Deaf identity. With that thought I have shifted back to discussion about socialized identity and how it defines me. I know identity is always evolving but these days I am finding it hard to stay caught up!
I have an exam that I need to study for now, so that is it for today!
Jenny
Music Time
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Miss Kat has been using her CIs to enjoy the world around her. She is so
into music and has had the opportunity to do some really awesome things in
the ...
1 week ago
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4 comments:
Why does improved listening mean that you can no longer be "Deaf"? My daughter is Deaf and always will be, she just hears with a CI now. Nothing changed but the device on her ear.
It's not the improved listening that makees me question my Deaf identiy, it was more being excited about it. I have a hard time with balancing things sometimes. Smile.
I will never be able to hear full sentences or catch more than a very small percent of words under optimal conditions with someone with an easy to hear voice. That isn't even something I want or need.
I guess it is hard for me to explain. I know I am Deaf...I am just worried that other people will forget. 4 words won't make that happen but for some reason I am still worried. Not even with the Deaf community, but with the hearing people who already have a hard enough time seeing me as Deaf. I am not the stereotype at all and that confuses people enough! hehe
Are you sure you won't be able to do those things? I'm not saying that it is something that you even want, but if you did end up getting a CI, it is possible that you could hear full sentences.
I understand that it is an identity issue. I am still working with our family to helo them understand the difference between the concept of "hearing" (the sign by your ear) and "Hearing" (the identity that I and my family have that Miss Kat doesn't). They believe that since Miss Kat can now "hear" (ear) with her CI, she is now "hearing" (sign at mouth).
Ugh, things can be so complicated!
It's true, with a CI, I may be able to hear sentences. The thing is I am 19 and this point I don't want to be "functionally HOH". I don't want to function anymore, I want to live.
I can function with speech reading and speech if I need to just fine, and I can function through note writing just fine too. But, with ASL I can access all communication and in the Deaf community I am an equal.
I totally agree with your choices for Miss Kat, but for me - at this point - I don't want to be stuck between two worlds. I am not saying Miss Kat will feel that way, but I know that is how I would feel. I grew up with more hearing and I felt that way all the way through. It was almost a relief when my hearing dropped and I finally belonged to one world. I don't want to take a step backwards and be in "limbo land" again.
I hope that makes some sense.
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