Hi Everyone,

This post has a bit of a different vibe than the ones that preceed it. Today I have decided to talk about choices. Not just in my hearing but in my life.

I am currently at my parents house and I have been for 5 days now. Tomorrow I will be going back to Toronto and my Frosh Week at University of Toronto starts on Tuesday. One thing that I have been thinking about a lot lately is why did I choose U of T? Why did I choose Toronto? Why did I choose anything that I have chosen.

I find it kind of funny because I am a planner, I like to know everything that is happening well in advance. However, when it comes to decision making I always go by my gut instinct. I am always right and it has always worked for me in the past. Now I am starting to doubt myself. Is University of Toronto really the right place for me? I chose it because of the amount of options I have there, and it's location. I am also the only deaf undergrad there. If I had gone to York I would have had a thriving Deaf/HOH community and an amplitude of supports. For some reason though, I chose U of T.

Cochlear implants. That is another choice I made. I decided not to go through with it, not even the testing to establish my candidacy. I chose that because music is so important to me and I need to be able to distinguish tones that are very close together. I have been told that is not possible with a CI. This past week I was out with some friends and the frustration of being with a large group was over whelming. I couldn't handle it and I did not know what to do - so I left. I am also thinking ahead to tomorrow morning when I have a riding lesson. I know I am not going to get anything out of it, but it makes my coach happy to see me riding around the ring for an hour. I have avoided having a lesson for a few months but I promised her I would while I was home this week. Last time I had a lesson I was able to follow along and understand her very well using my FM system but now I can't. I am not sure what I am going to do, or how it is going to work. Then again, how do I know a cochlear implant would enable me to do those things?

My choice to stay in Toronto, now I don't think I regret that one. I love the city and I thrive there. For the first time I am in charge of my life. I am in charge of my medical care - and believe me that is a bigger deal than it may seem. I have a wonderful audiologist, and some decent doctors. Should that really be my motivation for staying in a city? I think part of my motivation is my sheer determination to prove my independence and my ability to function as an adult. To prove that I no longer need someone to take care of me. To prove that even though I am deaf I can lead a completely normal, full, adult life.

Really, who is to say if my choices were the right ones? I have been thinking a lot, about all of these choices, and I think that more reflection and research is required on almost all of them. I think now is the time to embark on that next portion of this journey. Now begins my time of reflection.

Jenny

Hey all!

I go tomorrow for my music adjustments! I am so excited! I am hoping to be able to sing in a choir again. Ambitious goal, I know, but I can do it. I know I can do it. I need to sleep but I am too busy thinking! AHhh!

I do need to sleep though, I have a meeting at 9. Boo!

Night!

Jenny

Hey all,

I have decided the Naidas are little intelligent beings, capable of abstract thought, that have been taught by Phonak to spite their users.

The left aid has started cycling through the programs. No reason at all. I will just be talking to someone and then it beeping at me and going rapid fire through the programs, or it will just go to the first program (which is t-coil...). I went to my audiologists office tonight and she tried a few things -cleaning the aid, and changing the mic covers. When she listened the aid she said it sounded staticy and seemed to think that was wrong. They always sound staticy to me and I just assumed it was my ears.

I am going on Monday to do some adjustment with my music program to see if I can sing again. I am kind of excited. I will write about that after it happens. We have a follow up appointment booked for next Wednesday as well to make any other adjustments I want after applying Mondays to the real world. I don't need much time to adjust to know what I want to have changed.

I was thinking today and there was something I really wanted to blog about and now I absolutly cannot remember. Hmm...maybe it will come to me later. Until then I am sleeping!

Good night!

Jenny

More hearing aid pictures!

Hey all,

I decorated the hearing aids to match my shirt. I thought they were pretty exciting looking so I took some pictures...






































Above is one of the pain causing pink earmolds, I don't like it.

edit: I am allergic to the earmolds. I have been having progressivly faster and worse reactions since I got them on Thursday. Today I reacted to the extent that my ears swelled shut around them and they were really hard to get out. They make my ears swell, red, itchy, and sore. I had to got to the hospital and be given meds to stop the reaction the last time. I hate my body, and it seems to hate me. I am allergic to everything...

That is all for now!

Jenny

Trip home...

Hey all,

I went home for the weekend because there was a family BBQ. I tried to get out of it but in the end I was sucked in. See, I hate family gatherings and for many reasons. I am so different from my family in every way that there is no way that I can socialize with them. We just have that few of things in common. I am also the only D/deaf person in my family. A few of my family members know some basic basic basic sign, but nothing beyond the alphabet and counting to 10. Basically I am expected to socialize with people who don't try to adapt themselves to me at all. I am forced into a group of people and made to speech read. Speech reading is hard enough with a small group of 3-4 people. Last night there were well over 10 people here and it was horrible for me. I couldn't follow conversations, I had no idea who was talking when, and I was just lost. On occasion someone would see me looking confused, summarize the conversation and then continue the conversation in the same matter that it was before.

I snuck away right after dinner and went out to a movie with my friend. She is learning ASL and I made her not speak and only sign for well over an hour. It was great. It was hard for her but I think she learned more doing that than she has ever learned before. I told her stories in ASL, and taught her a bunch of new signs. By the end we were making our way through a decent conversation. I was asking her questions and she was responding appropriatly. I was pretty impressed by her really!

That same friend is coming to Toronto at the end of August to help me and my audiologist with some hearing aid adjustments. We are going to see what we can do to make my hearing aids better for me to sing with and understand music. My friend is also a musician so she is going to help and see if I can sing with her. I have already told her that at all times, aside from when we are with my audiologist, she is not allowed to speak. We are only going to sign. I have a feeling she is frantically studying her ASL dictionary as we speak! LOL.

In other news, I think I may be allergic to the new earmolds. I can tolerate them in my ears for less and less time before needing to take them out. I am not taking them out because of the sound, but because I am so conciouse that there is something in my ear. Sometimes my ears get itchy, other times the molds just feel really really tight. I mentioned the tightness to my audiologist in an email and she suggested that it may be an allergic reaction. She told me to use my old molds for the time being but I didn't bring them home with me. I go back tomorrow though and will switch them as soon as I get back! I am only wearing them when I need them right now, like when I am out with hearing people. Speaking of that I am going out with a few friends in 15 minutes so I should probably stop writing and go get ready!

I will update later!

Jenny