My Ears Hear Wrong

My ears hear wrong. It is a plain fact. There is no point in hiding it, trying to conceal it, or doing anything other than embrace it.

Really, ears do not hear at all, until chunks of plastic encase them and amplify sounds to a point where my eyes twitch and my head starts to throb. The sounds that assault my ears begin to take over my world and grasp me in a tight restraint. All of my senses succumb to my obscene auditory environment as I desperately try to distinguish the sounds I am hearing. The noise overwhelms me as I try to separate the overlapping sounds, to create something that my brain can process and identify.

Once I can establish one of the sounds from the group, I start to workout what it may be. The noises continue to smack me repetitively, threatening to rip the one sound I picked out away from me. I struggle to keep a grip on that one sound and figure out what it is. I begin to survey my visual environment - a difficult task given the constant attack on my auditory sense. I am not sure what this sound could be attached too. It is a constant sound with only slight intermittent pauses. It has a growling quality and I start searching for a cat, perhaps a dog. Then I remember that I am in a lecture hall and the probability of there being a cat or dog in a linguistics lecture is slim.

My eyes continue to dart around the room as I start to focus on my tactile sense. I am feeling lots of thing. The most obvious are the footsteps of the person walking in front of me. Through my notebook I can feel the vibrations of the voice of the man next to me. Neither of these match the sound.

Suddenly the sound disappears. As quickly as I was able to pick it out, it is gone. I try to dig it out of the mass of noise ambushing my cochlea. I cannot find it though. It is gone. I turn to my right and notice a student pick up her cell-phone a begin to speak. The sound was her phone ringing.

Deaf vs. deaf

The notion of the binary is something that is often challenged in the discussion of identity. Many binary scales are opposed in anti-oppression frameworks, perhaps the most famous and common being the gender binary of male and female followed by the race related binary of black and white. However, one binary that I rarely find challenged is that of Deaf and deaf.

I have a strong Deaf identity and I have valued roots in the Deaf community. At the same time, I have roots in the Hearing community as well, coming from a Hearing family in a Hearing community. My Deaf identity is not on a binary scale but rather a fluid forever changing entity that exists within me.

On a recent trip to my hometown of Kingston I began thinking more about my identity. To my friends and family in Kingston I am not Deaf. No matter how much I tell them about my Deaf community, my Deaf friends, and my beloved language - ASL - I will never be Deaf to them. They never get a glimpse into my Deaf life and subsequently into my prioritized identity. In Kingston, I am deaf. I am oral and ASL is simply a three letter phrase that holds little meaning. For my friends and family to even begin to conceptualize that I use a completely separate language 90% of the time is impossible.

As I got onto the train this afternoon to return back to Toronto I automatically switched back to my culturally Deaf identity and away from my oral deaf identity. I turned off my voice and stopped lip-reading, communicating mainly through notes and gesture. Upon my arrival in Toronto I will reunite with my Deaf friends and community and for the first time in 5 days my hands will be back at home doing what they do best - communicating!

The difference with my Deaf identity in Toronto is that my community and the people I interact with, for the most part, can conceptualize and understand my counter identity. They can imagine me speaking and interacting with the hearing world using their language, because for most of them it is their lived reality too. I have some people in my life who may not be able to see the deaf side but I am sure most of them can.

Within myself I can see both sides at all times. I am constantly aware of the binary scale that I am supposed to adhere to at any given moment. The thought of me living in both realities at once terrifies me as I envision what my separate worlds would do as they collide. Would there be an explosion? A war? Or maybe they would shake hands and get to know one another? It is impossible to say what would happen as my two worlds collide in what would quite possibly be an epic moment which perhaps would create a new solar system for my identity to explore.

In May the true test will become a reality as my Deaf friends and I make a journey to Kingston for a three day get away from the city. My worlds will meet, mingle, and perhaps even mix and that will be the true test of the strength of my identities. Which one will prevail in such a volatile environment? Even I am not sure how to answer that question and we will have to wait and see.