"Bad Deaf Days", "Bad Hearing Days", and Wonderful Moments When It All Fits!

Hey Everyone,

I am taking a disabilities studies class right now and it is pretty neat. I am not learning a lot of new stuff yet but the class its self is really interesting. My prof is blind and he uses blind and deaf as examples for everything. Perhaps because he can related to the world of "sensory impairment" best. [call me hearing impaired and I may kill you, same thing goes for sensory impaired. I couldn't think of another word!]. One thing he talked about was having a "Bad Blind Day" and it got me thinking about my own life.

I have "Bad Deaf Days" and "Bad Hearing Days". I was even confused about how I can have both. When I speak of having a "Bad Hearing Day" I am referring to a day when my hearing was fluctuating, or my hearing aids weren't quite doing what I wanted. This weekend for example, it was a "Bad Hearing Day" after another. On Saturday I was out with a Deaf friend of mine at a film festival and I started off with my hearing aids on. I couldn't hear much and what I could hear didn't make sense. My hearing hadn't been that bad for a while so I just took off my hearing aids and experienced the evening in silence. When I say that, please don't interpret silence to be a bad thing. I was very content in my silence. I was surrounded by people experiencing the same silence and in that particular moment the silence was far from isolating. The silence drew us closer to one another. Even though it was a "Bad Hearing Day" it was a great Deaf day!

Sunday was much like Saturday and I watched my "Bad Hearing Day" turn into a "Bad Hearing Weekend" I woke up very early to go ride (horses) and I put my hearing aids on as I was driving to the barn. My car was pretty quite so I didn't notice anything at first. I got to the barn and once I walked in I realised that I couldn't hear very much, less than normal. I left my hearing aids on, mostly so the hearing people felt safe around me on a horse, and ignored what little sounds I was hearing. I took my hearing aids off the minute I got to my car and didn't think about them again for a few hours.

Sunday afternoon I had to go to a social event/fundraiser thing. I was the only Deaf person there so I put on my hearing aids and geared up for an afternoon of speech reading (something I really haven't done in a remarkably long period of time, here and there yes but not a whole social event) as I walked into the room full of hearing people talking I was overwhelmed. There was so much sound and I didn't know what to do with it. Without even thinking I reached up and took my hearing aids off, shoved them in my purse, and went about speech reading in silence. I didn't have interpreters on Sunday, no ASL at all. None at riding, and none at the event. I was in silence on Sunday, but that day it isolated me. There was no one else experiencing the same silence. There was no one for the silence to draw me closer to. On Sunday the silence was like a repellent. Does that make Sunday a "Bad Deaf Day"? It didn't feel like a bad day. I just accepted my fate and moved through the social situation with as much ease and grace as I could. Yes - there was some smiling and nodding, but it wasn't a bad day. That got me thinking about when I have had a "Bad Deaf Day". Immediately my mind drifted back to Friday.

Friday was by far one of the worst "Bad Deaf Days" I have had. It started at school with my first tutorial for English Literature class. The room was set up in a strange way. We sat around two large tables situated in the North and South ends of the room. Along the West wall sat the TA and my interpreter. I sat on the South side of the room but I couldn't get a good sight line of my interpreter and TA at the same time. It didn't help that the TA was wondering around the room while speaking. The most interesting part of the whole setup was the fact that the TA chose to write on the chalk board on the East side of the room, even though there was a chalkboard right behind him on the West wall. Regardless of what was taking place I could not access all of the visual information I wanted, or needed.

The tutorial got me a little bummed out but I reminded myself it was just the first one and there was plenty of time for improvements. I had an hour long break before my English Literature lecture and I spent the break sitting in a cafe with my interpreter while she ate lunch and prepped for the class. I was mostly texting my friend and just trying to relax before the two hour long lecture.

The lecture time rolled around pretty quickly and my interpreter and I made our way to the class. I always dread this particular lecture because it is in a dim lit theater, on a Friday afternoon. The dim lighting means I need to concentrate much harder to understand the interpreter. I still rely on mouthing and sign to understand and because of the poor lighting I cannot speech read and I am going on sign alone. I can understand it fine but it is draining and I am already exhausted from the classes earlier in the week. The first half hour is fine, but from there it goes down hill quickly. By the end of the 2 hours I was so frustrated and drained I didn't know what else to do but cry. I can't even speech read the professor because of the lighting and distance. My only hope to understand the lecture is to use every ounce of energy I have to focus on the interpreters.

After lecture was finished on Friday I went into my car and just cried. The crying led to an asthma attack, and eventually a trip to the hospital because I couldn't get my asthma under control. That was a "Bad Deaf Day".

The "Bad Hearing Days" rarely bother me that much. I can't really hear anyway, so what difference does it make in the end. I can't understand speech, I don't rely on my hearing, so not hearing isn't a big deal. The "Bad Deaf Days" are the hard ones for me to cope with. Those are the days when I go to bed thinking "I wish I wasn't d/Deaf", "I wish I didn't rely on interpreters", "I wonder if a cochlear implant would have been able to help me today".

Then, I wake up the next day and while I remember the day before I also think of the day ahead. There is always something to excite me about the day ahead. Maybe I am working with my favorite client, or I have one of my favorite interpreters for class. Maybe I am going out with one of my Deaf friends, or I am going horseback riding. In the end there is always something positive that replaced my "Bad Deaf Days". There is always a moment when I am learning a new sign, or understanding more in a conversation with a new person than ever before.

I remember sitting with a group of Deaf people in a restaurant on Saturday night and just observing. Occasionally I would jump into the conversation, but for the most part I was just taking it all in. Watching this vibrant community come together and come alive before my eyes. No one in that group knew everyone there before that evening. Everyone knew one or two of the people, some knew more than that, but there was one common element that brought us together. Deafness. This quality that I felt excluded me and frustrated me to point of tears the day before was now drawing us all together.

It is very hard to explain that feeling that I had on Saturday night. Overwhelming may be a good way to describe the emotions of that evening for me. I have spent the last three weeks fighting for acknowledgment of my identity and respect for who I am from my hearing peers at the University of Toronto and in that one moment all of those defences I had built up melted away. I forgot about the day before and frustrations.

Now I am left with a two options. I can either measure my life in "Bad Deaf Days" or I can choose to focus on those moments when everything just seems right. Those moments when it feels like the puzzle is complete. While it is easy to dwell on the negative experience I have encountered in my d/Deaf world but that is not how I want to live my life. I would much rather focus on those amazing days, those overwhelming days when everything fits so well I don't know what to do with myself.

One also must acknowledge that without the "Bad Deaf Days" the great ones would never exist. So what if I need to cry alone in my car to the point where I cause myself to have a severe asthma attack? I think we all need those "asthma attacks" every once and a while to remember to be thankful for the good.

Have a good night!

Jenny

Hey everyone,

On Thursday I went to my audiologists but this appointment was a little different. This time there was a second audiologist there and she was a cochlear implant audiologist.

I had asked my audiologist about talking to a cochlear implant audiologist and she said that an audiologist with her company used to work in a an adult cochlear implant program. She called her and arranged an appointment for her to talk to me. I was skeptical going into it. I have been flip-flopping when it comes to looking into it for quite some time.

She started by telling me about implants, and that was okay. I knew a lot of that stuff before anyway. I don't know if I really learned anything new at the appointment actually. I don't even think I am any farther ahead in my decision now than I was before. It sucks.

I found the audiologist to be a bit disrespectful. She didn't respect the fact that I use ASL, and brushed it off like a non-issue. She seemed to think I didn't want to be using ASL, or associating with Deaf culture. She said I can tell you live mostly with hearing people, and when I said that I didn't so much anymore she said something along of the lines of "Oh, well that's not what you want". Who is she to tell me what I want!

She talked about how my quality of life will improve, how my life will be easier, how many more opportunities I would have. See, the thing is I don't think the quality of my life is poor, I don't think my life is hard, and I think I have every opportunity. Even my audiologist said that she doesn't think I have anywhere to go but up.

I don't need a cochlear implant and that is what is making this that much harder. I can do everything that I want to without one. If I decide to persue a CI it would be because I want it. I still can't see it as something that I want. Maybe sometimes I want it, but not even close to everyday. I may wake up thinking "If I could hear more..." once a week at most. I think it would have to be everyday, or pretty darn close, for me to say it is something that I really want.

I don't know what I want! Is that okay? Can I just not know for a while? Please!

Jenny